Well, today I got in Michael’s truck, which he had thankfully (kinda) cleaned out for me, in order to drive to my Mom’s house in Dallas. This is the beginning of my New York trip. I packed last night and changed the outfits I was going to take about a trillion times in my mind before any of it ever hit the suitcase. All of this thought and effort into something that most people probably won’t even pay that much attention to really. But, it makes me feel better, so I do it. This morning, I loved on my family, reflected on the sacrifices they are making in order to see me go on this trip. Finances, Time…All of it something someone is giving up in order to see me chase my dream. It is overwhelming on so many levels. I have experienced deep joy from it and paralyzing fear. I hate disappointing people, especially those who love me. I want to go and make Michael and the boys proud of their wife and mommy. I want me being gone for a week to be totally worth it when I return. It stopped me in my tracks at one point, as I was pulling out of the driveway to drive to Dallas. The fear of letting someone, and myself, down. I sat there for a few minutes, my hands on the steering wheel, pools of tears in my eyes, staring blankly out the windshield but not seeing anything really. I was overwhelmed by the mere thought of putting myself in front of people and asking them to believe in me, in my dream, enough to make me an official author, and not just a writer. When I shook myself free of the moment, I noticed Michael still standing in the walkway to our house staring at me, and telling me (shooing me really) to get going! It was a bit of an embarrassing moment. I think some people believe I am more confident, more in control of myself, than I really am. I am a huge self-doubter, but a pretty good actress in situations. I like to act like I am in control, but I have no control over what happens today, tomorrow, or any day really. I can only control my actions, thoughts, words…what I wear. 😉 I cannot control what any publisher, agent, or even friend, thinks about my book. Michael and the boys have been very sweet to remind me, continually it seems the past couple of days, that they are already proud of me no matter what happens this week. And reminding me that this one week does not declare what will happen in the future. Chances are…I’m not leaving New York with a book deal. I mean, really, wouldn’t that be phenonmenal?!? Doesn’t every wannabe author dream of that?? I am no different, even though I know it is not realistic. So, while I believe in and am praying for a miracle of that magnitude, I am also praying for favor as I meet people. That doors would open, and, someday, children everywhere would have the opportunity to learn about patience through the eyes of my sweet bovine, Bella. That somebody, somewhere, would believe in me and the book enough to want to publish it, and would believe in the whole series that is in my head with it. If you feel led, please pray with me. My beautiful men, Michael and the three boys (9, 7, and 3 years old) surrounded me on the couch today and prayed over me. It was the sweetest moment. Jack’s arm around me, Drew’s hand on my leg, and Zach’s head on my knee… It was a reminder that moments like that are what this life is about. Coming back to the throne of Jesus-laying it all down. And so (again) I find myself trying to pry my hands off of this week, my worries, my fears, my joy, and lay it all right back down. None of it is in my hands. As I just wrote that sentence, the thunder and lightning just shook the entire house! It made me jump out of my skin and smile-Haha! It is amazing that the God who commands the rain, thunder, lightning and wind cares about me and my life-my dreams-my needs-my wants. We all just need to revel in that on a regular (Daily?? Minute by Minute??) basis.
I will be trying to update the next week as much as possible, but I just don’t know how crazy the whole week will be. If you want the most up-to-date information, then feel free to follow me @kpsimmon on Twitter. http://twitter.com/#!/KPSimmon Thank you for following this amazing journey!